Finding Balance (for beeping_flyboi and neverreallygone )

[force_sensitive]

Rey couldn't be more thankful.

There's no such thing as an abrupt ending to things, to actions and no consequences, to earning new knowledge and rely on ignorance. Yes, Kylo Ren had done terrible things and billions in the galaxy would not forgive that easily. The Resistance won't forget his crimes any time soon. Poe Dameron, one of the new Generals owed his people respect. He probably should have stood up to make Leia Organa's son pay for his actions.

Instead, he had trusted Rey. 

Poe had not been shy about how much he disliked the situation, how uncomfortable he was over helping her hide Ben. To Rey, that was further proof of the feelings that had grown between them, his blind and fervorous support. He might not see the light in Ben Solo the way she had in her visions, but Rey could tell her partner wanted to believe in Leia's last wish.

Taking the Falcon they had flown to the farthest corners of the galaxy. Doing work for the Resistance, looking for supplies, helping those that were still oppressed by the last weak echoes of the First Order. Ben, he couldn't come out and do that sort of work. But Rey had picked on something she'd offered him a long time ago. With both Master Skywalker and Leia gone, she still needed someone to teach her.

And she believes in Ben Solo.

"What'd you think?" She'd brought the subject up while they had a meal together. That sort of event didn't happen often when they first started this new journey but it something she tried to encourage as much as possible. Even BB-8 seemed to be improving when it came to be sharing a room with Ben these days. "We could clean a little the main deck, make some more room to train."

Comments

[neverreallygone]

Ben knows exactly how lucky he is to have any little amount of freedom. So although it is miserable to hide away and pretend as though he doesn't exist, it's light years better than being thrown away to rot in some brig somewhere - or worse. He wouldn't have blamed Dameron - or anyone else, for that matter - calling for him to pay for the things he's done. Doesn't take a powerful Force user to tell that Poe Dameron doesn't trust him as far as he can throw him, but it's just as clear that he trusts Rey, and that's the only reason Ben has been allowed to live.

They're not obnoxious about their feelings for each other, but it's obvious that they have feelings for each other - strong ones. And sometimes in the dark of night, Ben wonders why he's been brought back from death's door only to die a little inside every time he watches theme together. Ben Solo is no fool - he's very well aware that just because he and Rey are a dyad, that doesn't mean that they're meant to be together like that, but once upon a time ago, not so very long ago, he had hoped that maybe, after everything, they could start anew.

It's hard, sometimes, to be in her presence without letting her feel every bit of him - every emotion, every fear, every pained heartbeat. But he tries not to let on to how much it hurt to be together ... but so far away at the same time.

And he works on becoming a better person, no matter how painful it is to confront the ghosts of his past. He can't change what he's done, but he can work to make amends now, even from the shadows. He can have a future ...

Even if it's not with Rey.

Ben has never really been the gregarious sort, but he's become even quieter now. Some might even say morose. Still, when there is precious time to spend together, he tries to maintain the illusion that everything is fine. The last thing he wants is to worry Rey - or have to explain that it's hard to be near her when all he wants is to profess his gratitude and admiration and love and know that it won't be reciprocated.

Everything is fine, because it has to be. And if this is his price to pay for all the years spent being Snoke - and Palpatine's - monster, then so be it.

"Sure - ", he answers slowly, nodding his agreement. "If that's what you want."

[beeping_flyboi]

Poe is quiet himself as he eats. He's not protesting, he knows that he agreed to having Ben aboard and helping Rey, and he knows that purposely trying to make things uncomfortable will just lead to eons of misery for all three of them. All that same, he doesn't feel like he has that much to say when in the company of the man that was Kylo Ren, and said man is so morose himself.

He felt a little bad to leave it to Rey to fill the silence of the mealtime, but she is doing a good job.

"If you're going to rearrange the deck, just be careful of Chewie's board. He and Finn are midway through a game and he won't be happy if it's reset when we get back." He tears at a piece of bread and tries to hold back the quiet muttering that he just can't restrain. "He's lost enough already."

It came out in spite and leaves a horrible raw hole in his chest that he can't fill with the bread he puts in his mouth. He feels bad about the comment instantly and bows his head. He won't say sorry for it, though. It's true.

He hopes he doesn't feel this bitter the whole trip. It's eating away at him and even BB8 is struggling to keep up and keep him soothed. Rey swears that Ben has light in him, and Leia believed in him, as did Han. He wants to get to like Ben, but what Kylo did was unforgiveable and Poe doesn't know how he could ever get those two pieces to fit neatly together in his head.

[force_sensitive]

She was hardly surprised to hear Ben agree to her idea. But Poe's little outburst? It both shocked and angered her a bit, before remorse took over. Rey knew she was already asking too much of her partner. General Dameron was not going through an easy time. Ever since being promoted, Poe's responsibilities towards the Resistance, even to the New Republic, had increased no matter of where in the galaxy he found himself these days.

And the reason why he had taken Leia Organa's role was sitting right across him, sharing a meal with him. The reason why Poe had lost fellow solderies, many friends.

She didn't dare chastise him, despite off the bitter taste his comment left in her mouth.

"We won't, don't worry. We'll just take some stuff into storage."

A little reluctant, Rey looked across the table, dreading how Ben had taken those words. Pushing her food in her plate a bit, she tried to find words to try and make ammends for this. Maybe she needed to remind them both of why it was worth, being all three of them together in this journey?

"Ben's been helping me so much. Before, the Force was like some slippery thing, I could rarely focus enough to be sure I had control over it. Half the time, I thought I was imagining things. Now-- I feel so much more focused."

She smiled gently and her Master Organa's son. Her new teacher, in a way.

Turning to Poe, she reached for his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Think of the things we'll be able to do, having two Jedi. Maybe we'll even find other people like us. We'll be able to help so many people."