Ben knows exactly how lucky he is to have any little amount of freedom. So although it is miserable to hide away and pretend as though he doesn't exist, it's light years better than being thrown away to rot in some brig somewhere - or worse. He wouldn't have blamed Dameron - or anyone else, for that matter - calling for him to pay for the things he's done. Doesn't take a powerful Force user to tell that Poe Dameron doesn't trust him as far as he can throw him, but it's just as clear that he trusts Rey, and that's the only reason Ben has been allowed to live.
They're not obnoxious about their feelings for each other, but it's obvious that they have feelings for each other - strong ones. And sometimes in the dark of night, Ben wonders why he's been brought back from death's door only to die a little inside every time he watches theme together. Ben Solo is no fool - he's very well aware that just because he and Rey are a dyad, that doesn't mean that they're meant to be together like that, but once upon a time ago, not so very long ago, he had hoped that maybe, after everything, they could start anew.
It's hard, sometimes, to be in her presence without letting her feel every bit of him - every emotion, every fear, every pained heartbeat. But he tries not to let on to how much it hurt to be together ... but so far away at the same time.
And he works on becoming a better person, no matter how painful it is to confront the ghosts of his past. He can't change what he's done, but he can work to make amends now, even from the shadows. He can have a future ...
Even if it's not with Rey.
Ben has never really been the gregarious sort, but he's become even quieter now. Some might even say morose. Still, when there is precious time to spend together, he tries to maintain the illusion that everything is fine. The last thing he wants is to worry Rey - or have to explain that it's hard to be near her when all he wants is to profess his gratitude and admiration and love and know that it won't be reciprocated.
Everything is fine, because it has to be. And if this is his price to pay for all the years spent being Snoke - and Palpatine's - monster, then so be it.
"Sure - ", he answers slowly, nodding his agreement. "If that's what you want."
no subject
They're not obnoxious about their feelings for each other, but it's obvious that they have feelings for each other - strong ones. And sometimes in the dark of night, Ben wonders why he's been brought back from death's door only to die a little inside every time he watches theme together. Ben Solo is no fool - he's very well aware that just because he and Rey are a dyad, that doesn't mean that they're meant to be together like that, but once upon a time ago, not so very long ago, he had hoped that maybe, after everything, they could start anew.
It's hard, sometimes, to be in her presence without letting her feel every bit of him - every emotion, every fear, every pained heartbeat. But he tries not to let on to how much it hurt to be together ... but so far away at the same time.
And he works on becoming a better person, no matter how painful it is to confront the ghosts of his past. He can't change what he's done, but he can work to make amends now, even from the shadows. He can have a future ...
Even if it's not with Rey.
Ben has never really been the gregarious sort, but he's become even quieter now. Some might even say morose. Still, when there is precious time to spend together, he tries to maintain the illusion that everything is fine. The last thing he wants is to worry Rey - or have to explain that it's hard to be near her when all he wants is to profess his gratitude and admiration and love and know that it won't be reciprocated.
Everything is fine, because it has to be. And if this is his price to pay for all the years spent being Snoke - and Palpatine's - monster, then so be it.
"Sure - ", he answers slowly, nodding his agreement. "If that's what you want."